Read Dinara's Essay
"Why People Are Annoyed When I Write on my Native Tongue" on PEN Opp Magazine
#1 Я описываю свою правду (A lot became unimportant lately)
Мне стало многое неважно в последнее время
Writing my truth and my breath
A lot became unimportant lately
But one Angst seems important: that my writing became unimportant
Unneeded
Unnecessary
And that’s fine
There’s nothing necessary and poetry as well случайное, как пролетающий пакетик
Как входишь в самолёт лететь домой и видишь своего психоаналитика в первом ряду
They’re prepared to watch your movie
Your truth and your breath
Your unnecessary poems
I feel that one feeling is important: that I worry too much about non-poetic side of life
About speeding fines and scratches on a rented car
About forgetting to buy a ticket extension and getting another fine
About a mysterious spot on a new skirt
I wish it had no power over me
I wish it had no value for me
Anxieties dynamics
My seven year depression sent me a message last night
It said: hey, what’s up
Nothing else not even an emoji
Not even a question mark
The sender was unknown but I could tell it was them from the tone
From the lack of life in this short phrase
Are you really curious I was thinking and
Switched on all lights in the room
With these ugly bright but not enough headlights
The room became the surgery room
My bed became a surgery bed
I hope it’s a full narcoses
I am ready for a good sleep
I didn’t answer that message:
I am not up and hence is nothing
I don’t see the value the point the aim the wish
I don’t feel the motivation or desire to do anything
The second the plane started off to berlin
I lost it
What am I there
Here near the sea I had this urge to be
Near the ocean
To be strong and run down the long streets
To the water
Being loud laughing
What I am there and what for
Нәрсә турында язырга? Мин ардым
Poetry lost the point
Lost the tail in a moment of the highest Angst
Нинди телдә язырга: сезнең ме, минем ме
Кемгә кирәк кемгә бу кирәк кемгә
Кем аны укый кем аны аңлый язсам да
Яз яз яз
Көз көз көз
Детство Взросление Старость
Anxieties Angst dynamics
Year unknown, between 2023-2024, Languages: Tatar, English, Russian, German
#2 Social (2023)
I am packing my:
Social anxiety
Ocean of anxiety
Anxious ocean is still
So social
So-social
SO-so
Significant Other anxiety
Other anxiety
Self anxiety
Separation anxiety
Occupation anxiety
Friends in a country that is being bombed by my born country anxiety
Relatives of a friend in a city that is being bombed by my born country anxiety
Bomb shell in your garden video message anxiety
Too long no message anxiety
Too long audio message anxiety
Less age less anxiety anxiety
Forgot the bike lights and stayed after dark anxiety
Biking into a car tunnel again anxiety
He smiled too broad at someone who feels ышанычсыз anxiety
Cat too close to the open window anxiety
Cat too long в подъезде борчылу
Эшкә соң калу борчылу
У соседей ночью шум шом
A call from a distant relative anxiety
No one is picking up anxiety
An unknown number anxiety
Need to make a doctor appointment worry
Something dangerous in the lake that I can’t see anxiety
Someone didn’t finish a sentence with a smiley anxiety
Someone didn’t smile back anxiety
Sore after six hours in the office back anxiety
A suspicious spot on the skin anxiety
Forgot a sunscreen on a sunny noon anxiety
Too light clothes and a sudden Berlin cold wave anxiety
Too white clothes and an oily messy food anxiety
An insect touched the food anxiety
Something black in the soup anxiety
A hole in the socks and a thumb caught deep anxiety
Didn’t wash hair and now feeling dull anxiety
Forgot to buy an extension ticket anxiety
The phone battery is dying anxiety
Stepping on someone’s spit anxiety
Что-то болит, а вдруг anxiety
Авырта у рта
Waking up ten times a night anxiety
Taxi cancelled the ride anxiety
Did the police notice me are they chasing my bike anxiety
Eating something with mould anxiety
Еще молод или уже mould? anxiety
Get caught when you don’t wanna get caught anxiety
Где кот? anxiety
Too much Anxiety anxiety
— in a worry-resistant bag, throwing it back to the past that passed it to миру мир
мир умер
me.
Let it me.
Can I be?
\
2023, Languages: Tatar, English, Russian, German
#3 яра (2023)
яз яз яз
көз көз көз
кыз кыз кыз
мы?
Детство
Взросление
Старость
Мы:
Anxieties
Angst
Tiredness
матур кыз бул!
бу
турында язма
теге турында язма
разрывается рвет язва
авыр авыр авырта
яра
яра
яра
яра тут
яра
яра
яра там
шулай да
яз яз яз
көз көз көз
төз төз төз
тормышыңны, кыз
яра
яра
тут яра
яра
яра
там яра
яратам
шулай да
ничек яратмаска?
disguise маска
unlearn to love
learn to unlove
the wound is deep
asleep.
яз яз яз
язма язма язма
яз яз яз
язва
A Tatar feminist poetess that lived and wrote 100 years ago Giffat Tutash left her family and home at the age of 20 as a protest against them prohibiting her to write, and wrote an open letter to her mother later sharing her pain.
The poem “Яра” [jara] is describing a similar conflict of authoress‘s poetic feminist activist identity reflected in their texts, and the expectations that their traditionalist and muslim part of the family has towards their poetry and behavior. With her upbringing and the fact that she lost her closest family and those left are the only ones connecting her to the memories of mom, dad and abika, and she loves them, authoress can’t get into a direct conflict in fear of losing them, and have to censor herself or hide under pseudonyms. It gets more acute now when authoress write in the language she speaks to them, and them being almost the only people she speak Tatar to.
One hundred years ago the reason for that conflict was a traditional female role, nowadays it’s a dictatorship in russia and an invasion into Ukraine: “don’t write about politics, about Ukraine, don’t criticize the government”.
Яра — рана, the wound (tatar)
Яратам — люблю, I love (tatar)
Тут — here, там — there (russian)
Авыр — тяжело, hard
Авырта — it hurts, болит
Матур кыз бул! — be a nice girl
Бу турында язма, Теге турында язма — don’t write about this, don’t write about that
Яз — spring, весна
Көз — autumn, осень
Төз — build/decide on! строй/выбирай
Тормышыңны — your life/свою жизнь
кыз — girl
2023, Languages: Tatar, English, Russian, German
#4 Багышладым
Багышладым
Юклыкка
Барлыкка
Багышлануга
Тәндә әзерәк аңлашу (га)
Әзерәк аңламау (га)
Әзерәк әзерәк (кә)
Йөрәк (кә)
Сөембмкәнең очу (га)
Әтинең ачу-
лану (га)
нур
ур-ур-ур
нурчание (лучание)
напрягаюсь чтобы расслышать тебя
и дышать
Сжа ——-
тие
Ужа ——-
ты — е.
кыен тирән
тиран.
Уен — кичкә таба көнне яшәргә
төшләргә төшергә
һәр төнгә үләргә
үлү итеп уйнасаң трошки
по-нарошку
аннары жиңелрәк булыр мы?
коңыр
әбинең догалар әбигә багышлап кайтмый
әти-әниләрне ашатмый бу оятсыз бала
яшәргә өйрәнә ————- сезсез
үләргә өйрәнә
————— аллаhатагәләсез
Аллаhатагаләнең жәннәтсез
Аллаhатагаләнең жәннәт сүзсез
2025, Languages: Tatar, Russian
